Getting over someone you can’t stop thinking about is one of the hardest emotional battles you’ll face. It’s like a weight that never lifts, constantly pulling your thoughts back to them. You’ve tried to move on, but it feels impossible, like you’re trapped in a never-ending loop of obsession.
Every action, every thought seems to circle back to this person, and you can’t shake the feeling that you’ll never be free. But what if I told you that the key to getting over someone isn’t as impossible as it feels?
Who Are You Now? Understanding the Impact of Emotional Attachment
They’re always there, at the back of your mind, like a program running in the background. Everything you do, you’re thinking about them. Every post you make, it’s with the hope that they see it. Nothing feels fun unless they’re part of it. You just can’t bring yourself to do anything unless they’re somehow involved.
Have you ever found yourself obsessing over someone who just wasn’t that into you? Trust me, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too. What if I told you that this obsession could be rooted in something much deeper than just getting over someone? It’s about understanding what’s going on in your own mind.
What’s left of the person you used to be?
You feel like your life is stuck, not moving forward. Your career is stagnant because your mind is consumed by thoughts of them. And the pain of unrequited love? That’s unbearable. The feelings you have inside are poisoning you, suffocating you, because they shouldn’t be stuck there. They should be flowing — you give, you receive!
First, let’s talk about why this obsession happens. Why do you get so wrapped up in thinking about this person?
And what if I told you it’s not really about them? What if it’s all about what’s going on in your own head?
Let’s dig deeper.
You’re drawn to someone who’s emotionally unavailable — and that’s exactly what makes them so irresistible. The thing is, you can’t really desire something you already have, right? So, it has to be something out of reach.
Maybe this person is emotionally unavailable or they’re in another relationship, or they live far away, or they ignore you — there’s always something preventing you from being with them. Perfect. You’ve got the perfect ingredients for an obsession: the unattainable object of your desire.
Childhood Trauma: Understanding Why You’re Struggling
If you’re obsessed with someone who’s unavailable, it’s like a forbidden fruit, right? And this often comes from a need to escape reality. You’re trying to escape your present situation.
When a child grows up in a conflicted environment, they create a fantasy world as a form of protection. This escapism becomes a way to cope with the pain, imagining a perfect love, a savior. Often, this is projected onto romantic relationships in adulthood. You seek that idealized love, something that was never real, always out of reach.
True love can seem scary because it’s unknown, messy and imperfect. That’s why you keep searching for something that only exists in your mind – a fantasy, not reality.
And that’s what you’re doing now… living in a world of make-believe, instead of focusing on getting over someone and moving forward.
And why do you spend hours wondering?
At least in the world of make-believe, you’re comfortable. You’re an expert at that. But what if it becomes real? You wouldn’t know how to handle it. It may sound ridiculous, but your unconscious mind is doing a pretty good job at keeping you stuck in this cycle.
That’s why it’s so important to understand these patterns. Once you do, you can finally break free from this endless loop.
Let’s face it: You’re in love with an idea, not the actual person. You’ve created someone in your mind and spend your days obsessing over them. Meanwhile, this person is out there, living their life in the real world. In your fantasy, they’re exactly how you want them to be. But the truth is: you’ll never find that idealized version of love in a real person.
Here’s a game-changing tip
Thinking about this helped me break free, guys! They are out there right now, not thinking about you, living their life, doing their thing. And here you are, wasting your days fantasizing! What a waste!
The Idealization Trap: Why We Create Fantasies About Others
Deep down, we all crave perfection – a partner who will save us from the emptiness we’ve felt since childhood. Many dream of a perfect fairy-tale romance. But the truth is that perfect person doesn’t exist. Perfection is a fantasy. Romantic stories fuel this idealization, making us believe that if love isn’t perfect, there’s something wrong. But real relationships involve flaws, trauma, and imperfections.
And here’s the kicker: when you can’t find a real person who fits your fantasy or your fairytale, you start projecting that fantasy onto someone who’s emotionally unavailable.
You won’t be able to project your fantasy onto someone who’s genuinely involved with you and who you talk to all the time. Because that person is real! You need someone who’s distant, someone you can place all your fantasies onto, someone who isn’t emotionally available enough for you to see their real self. That way, you have the space and time to imagine whatever you want about them.
We obsess because we are weak inside
Most people who get obsessed with others, who form these unhealthy fixations, don’t have a fulfilling life. They don’t have a sense of purpose, they’re not working on something meaningful, they probably hate their job, they don’t have close friendships, they don’t have hobbies, they’re not spending time in nature or focusing on their physical health — or they simply have no goals. In other words, they’re still fragile on the inside. In the end, you need to become stronger. Only then will your inner child have the strength to break free from this cycle.
The Powerful Steps to Getting Over Someone and Finding Peace
Now let’s talk about how to actually stop it. First, it’s important to understand that therapy can help to work through these issues, but in the day-to-day, what can you do to break free?
Step 1: Cutting Contact to Start Getting Over Someone
This is one of the most important steps in the healing process. It’s not just about blocking the person, though that can be helpful; it’s about stopping the emotional interaction altogether. Every time you reach out to them, you’re allowing that connection to linger, no matter how small the gesture is. You might think that staying in touch or keeping the door open will make you feel better, but in reality, it just prolongs the obsession. Besides, you are humiliating yourself and giving up all your power. And that will only lead you to more frustration.
To truly start getting over someone, you need to create distance — both physically and emotionally. This means no more texting, calling, or checking in on them. It’s hard, we know. But trust me, it’s the most powerful move you can make for yourself. That’s mandatory! You don’t have to block them if that feels too harsh, but you should stop initiating the contact. Instead, focus on giving yourself the space you need to heal. This is about you now, not them.
Step 2: Stop Checking Their Social Media to Begin Getting Over Someone
Let’s be honest: social media can be a silent killer when you’re trying to get over someone. The temptation to check their profile, see what they’re doing, or peek at their stories can feel almost unbearable. But every time you do it, you’re just feeding into the cycle of obsession. You’re keeping that person alive in your mind, and it’s preventing you from moving on.
To stop getting over someone from becoming an endless loop of emotional pain, take control. Unfollow them, mute them, or even block them if that’s what it takes. It’s crucial that you remove them from your feeds, not only to stop the temptation but also to create the mental space you need to heal. The more you engage with their online presence, the more you prolong the process of letting go. You don’t need to keep track of their life anymore — you need to focus on yours.
Step 4: Getting Over Someone: Creating Meaning and Fulfillment in Your Life
Maybe it’s starting a new hobby, working on your career, building new friendships, or focusing on your physical and mental health. When you start filling your life with things that bring you joy and purpose, the need to obsess over someone else will naturally fade.
And whenever thoughts of that person pop up, acknowledge them, but don’t hold onto them. Use mindfulness techniques for this. For example, you can tell yourself: “I’m thinking about him right now, but I’ll focus on this thing I am doing.” This helps you redirect your mind back to the present moment and back to things that are actually improving your life.
But without a doubt, if you don’t know where to start, begin with strength.
Step 3: Focus on Yourself: Self-Care and Rebuilding Your Confidence
Train hard! Really hard!
Strength training has an incredible effect on our inner selves. Maybe you start at the gym thinking you want to get fit, but before you know it, that’s not even the point anymore. Your inner strength becomes more visible. Then, you begin to realize that YOU are in charge. You’re the CEO of your life, not some imaginary love that’s holding you back. It’s all about YOU. The obsession now is with yourself. Nothing else matters.
We have an amazing video on the topic over on our channel. Watch it now
Your body is a temple, not a trash can. Only quality things should enter it. You’ll start seeing ultra-processed foods in a new light. Soon, you’ll open fewer packages and peel more fruits and veggies. From now on, you’ll only eat what nourishes your body and helps you feel on top of the world. Your cells crave the best, the highest vitality. When you look at food, you’ll ask: “What kind of protein does this provide? Will this help build a better version of me? Does it have the micronutrients I need to shine? I am my new obsession!!!”
In your daily life, the focus will be: “I was born to be a total queen, not a loser who daydreams all day.”
And you know what hurts the most?
While you’re sitting there on the couch or in bed, stuffing yourself with sugar and thinking about your special someone, they’re out there, working on their own goals, training, eating right, building their career. Think about that! At some point, we need to stop being foolish!
Step 5: Building Your Personal Project: Focus on What You Control
Find something interesting that can help you stand out. A course, a side hustle, a home renovation, a trip, a blog – anything that’s just for you.
Here’s the thing: redirect the energy you were pouring into that person (who wasn’t even thinking about you) and pour it back into yourself. All that affection, all that time, all those dreams, it’s like liquid gold that you threw at someone, only to see it splatter against a wall and drain away. Because that person wasn’t there. And, in some cases, they never promised you anything. “You” created that love story. So, it’s you who needs to stop and gather all that precious energy, attention, and time – your life – and pour it into what matters most: YOU.
I wrote a full article on how to practice expressive writing therapy and journaling for self esteem — check it out here!
The Challenges and Growth: What Happens While You’re Getting Over Someone
You become strong. Your self-esteem solidifies, and you start to shine. People will notice that something is different about you. No one can quite put their finger on it, but something’s changed. Of course! There’s nothing sexier than someone who’s confident in themselves, who knows their worth, who doesn’t drop everything for anyone. They’re the boss of their life, their body, and their will! You become so empowered that the person who didn’t notice you before may start paying attention.
But, as you attract more attention and your confidence grows, it’s likely that he or she will come back. Don’t be fooled – just because they return doesn’t mean the cycle of devaluation won’t repeat itself. It’s almost certain that, once you feel stronger and more confident, that person will try to come back. However, giving in to this temptation could jeopardize all the progress you’ve made so far.
Don’t let the shadows of the past dim the light you’re building. Stay strong in your growth and choose someone who truly values you.
You might start seeing things more clearly, too. Maybe that “prince” wasn’t all that, and you were the one putting him on a pedestal and pouring all your energy into him. Now that you’ve redirected that energy back to you, he’s showing up as his real self. You may end up losing interest: “What was I thinking at the time?”
A lot can happen. You will only know by going through it. But one thing’s for sure: no matter the outcome, you’ll come out of it a person with so much personal power and a strong identity. It can’t go wrong. It’s a win-win situation.